SAGDEG Chapter 3

To continue the series exposing the latest developments in my new novel Strangeness at the SAGDEG Star Stop, here is the current third chapter.

This is probably all I will be posting via the blog for this year so I’ll wish you all an early Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and fruitful 2017. I’ll continue the work on Chapter 4 and so on and will post as and when I’m able to before the beta readers get their hands on it.

You can always Tweet to me at Ron_Alias and post messages via the website at ronalias.com

Ron

 

3: DISCOVERY

 

I could not raise any being from the Galactic Council Food Hygiene Department on my Fonespex. I had demanded this Unculus guy sit on one of the benches nearest the door in order to try to contain the mess oozing out of his skin. How on Earth he had ever managed to obtain a job in Food Hygiene was beyond me. Surely any kitchen he inspected would always be more, not less, of a health risk because of a visit from him?

To buy some time, I had offered Rare something to eat or drink. He had asked for any kind of fruit juice we had. I plucked a glass (scrupulously clean – the Gamma Cleaner proving the investment in it worthwhile) from underneath the counter and splashed in some Fooberry juice. As soon as I took the glass off the serving tray and set it down on the table, a long worm-like tongue emerged from the slug-being’s tiny mouth and looped into the bright purple juice sitting inside the glass. I immediately departed from the table, not wanting to be drawn into talk of Rare starting any kind of inspection.

Surveying the kitchen, I was not hopeful of any mercy from the slug. The tiles were cracked and grubby. There were little heaps of crumbs and fluff in the corners of the work surfaces. Pulling down the front of the Halogrill I peered nervously inside. A dubious coating of burnt black blobs rose up from the bottom of the aperture – a pungent aroma of something unpleasant was all too evident. I needed Janus back here now – maybe if I could keep the Inspector busy out front, Janus could do three years’ worth of cleaning in a few minutes.

Perhaps the robot cook could help – he must be at least partly responsible for this pestilence in waiting. Tootroo was sat on stand by underneath the counter, as if it were deliberately hiding. His pitted tin flesh was just another reflection of our malaise, he had not had an upgrade or service for many a long year. I kicked the machine into life. A jumble of lights flickered across his pale red dome of a head.

“Yes?” the synth voice was sharp in its tone – almost impatient.

“Tootroo – have you seen the state of this kitchen?”

“If you’re referring to the cleanliness of the food preparation chamber then yes, my cameras have observed it.”

“So you’ve seen how filthy it is? Don’t you think you should do something about it? You are the cook after all.”

“What does it matter? I do not allow any food to be in contact with any surface that’s carrying anything particularly catching. There’s bits of food heaped up here and there but, surprise, I prepare food in here – what can you expect?”

I could not believe the apathy and borderline sarcasm had spread even to the circuits of this floating bucket I had had to rely on as a chef. The instant the credits had changed hands to buy the Star Stop, Janus began to insist his role was never going to expand beyond being the drinks-mixer. We got through several chefs, each of them ended up burning out, frazzled by the overwhelming flow of customers through our doors. When the torrent dried up, we resorted to the only thing that could muster up any skill or recollection of how to translate the menu into anything remotely near the tanatalising description.

“You must have something like a suction or directional Gamma Wave to sterilise this lot, yes? Come on Tootroo, cut me a break here – I’ve got some Galactic Health Inspector that’s turned up out of the blue.”

“He’s not a Health Inspector,” intoned the robot.

Looking back, this should have been a lesson in listening. We often hear but do not listen. That moment was a classic example. Tootroo’s remark got lost amongst my relief at Janus finally returning. Trying to surreptitiously re-enter the kitchen, I was upon my supposed chef before he had fully opened the back door.

“Where have you been?” I hissed in an impatient whisper at Janus. “I got some Hygiene Inspector from the Council here. Says there’s been complaints. That he told us he was coming. Do you know anything about this? He asked for you by name.”

It seemed to take a while for this news to be processed between Janus’ large doughnuts of ears.

“Really? I don’t recall any message. And why would the Galactic Council bother to send someone out here? Who’s gonna complain? We only got a few regulars left and they all love the drugs, I mean food, we give ‘em.”

“Well he’s only too real. And he’s like some giant slug, sitting in an ever-expanding puddle of goo. Must be the least suitable individual to be have been employed as a Health Inspector ever.”

“Well look, it’s not too bad in here. You keep him talking and I’ll have a wipe round.”

“Not too bad? A wipe round? Have you seen the state of this kitchen? You’d be better off with a flamethrower than a damp cloth!”

“Sshh! Go stall him. I bet it’s just some misunderstanding. Me and the robot will take care of everything in here.”

“And we need to talk Jay. First – stop disappearing without letting me know where you’re going and second we’ve got something to sort out for Shaartho.”

“Okay dear chap we’ll talk about it later – just go and get rid of the slimeball.”

“Make sure the robot helps you – he’s responsible for this mess too.”

“Charming,” retorted Tootroo.

I moved to go back into the serving area. I glanced back to see Janus trying to slap his hat on the work surface, presumably to knock the stains from it. He tried flicking at it instead. Rolling my eyes, I pushed open the connecting door.

Unculus remained sat on the bench, the glass in front of him devoid of Fooberry juice – only sediment clinging to the sides of the glass remained. The pool of goop emanating from underneath his coat had spread half way across the floor of the Stop – was he oblivious to it? Did he care? He was meant to be seeing if this place was hygienic for serving food but he was turning it into a habitat only fit for Wulgar Snails. I could only approach the table so far before the slime blocked my path. I looked down at my shoes and made sure there was a reasonable gap clear of the creeping tide of mucus.

“Janus is back now – he’s…. he’s just putting away some supplies. As you asked for him he said he’ll give you the tour so you can have a look at whatever it is you need to see,” I said, giving a weak smile. “He won’t be too long.”

“Just get on with it. I’ve wasted enough time,” replied Unculus coldly. The mismatch between the movement of the lips and the sound being decoded by my Fonespex was all too apparent with this guy. That was something I had never got used to.

“Hey, er. So what planet do you come from? I couldn’t help but notice all the.. stuff.” I waved my arm over the floor of the Stop. “Must cause you all sorts of problems, huh?”

“What do you mean…problems?”

“Well… you know. Inspecting food. I mean with all due respect it looks as though you leave places in a bigger mess than when you arrive!”

I tried to laugh off my observation but the stalks with the eyes at the end extended and the wrinkly lids squinted.

“Are you discriminating against me because of my skin condition?” the slug asked pointedly.

“No – I was just making an observation.”

“It’s because of closed-minded bigots like you that I took this position. There should be no reason why any species should not be able to perform any job of their choosing.”

“Yeah right! Except that you’re meant to be checking that this place is spotlessly clean and you’ve turned it into a swarking lagoon!”

The slug shifted and rippled the muscles gripping the bench, moving along until he slithered on to the floor.

“I will wait no longer,” he snapped. “I shall start by inspecting the storage area I noticed through the wire fence at the back of your property. That seems fairly suspect to me. Maybe you can break the record for the number of violations for a single site! That’s eighty-six if you would like to know.”

This proposal, like most things in the universe, had its good and bad points. On the plus side, it would curtail the swelling lake inside the Star Stop. On the other hand, I had not set foot inside the storage shed for over a year. It was bound to be pretty grimy. If we got a poor verdict it could be the start of a protracted action by the Galactic Council resulting in us having to do some renovations which we could ill afford. Anything other than normality would put us out of business. The thought flickered across my mind that it could be a blessing – like putting a suffering animal out of its misery. Anyway, the slug was moving too fast for me to stop him. One of the head-based feelers had pulled open the door and the creature was shuffling out and away up the street.

Unculus’ progress was slow as he had to battle against the roaring headwind tumbling in between The Star Stop and Kyla’s hotel – SAGDEG Somnastic – on the opposite side of the street. I dashed out and caught up with him – there was no way he could gain access to the storage shed this way, sitting as it was inside the tall fence which had no gate. He would have to go back through the Star Stop and out through the kitchen. Even then there was no way of getting past the rusted up padlock on the shed – that would stop the slug’s inspection before it had begun.

“Hey – there’s no point in looking at what we got inside that old lock-up!” I called over the buffeting gusts. “We haven’t used it for ages.”

“I expect it will be nice and clean then. No rotting food or pest infestations,” replied the slug, pushing onwards to the start of the wire fence. I remained silent, hoping Unculus Rare did not have a pair of bolt cutters hidden within those copious folds of flesh. He continued squelching a path up the incline, stalked eyes and antennae straining against the wind.

At the end of the fence line the slug stopped and stared through the fence at the battered storage hut. He poked his eyes through the holes in the wire and allowed his misshapen body to rest against the wire. His skin was so flaccid it just seemed to pour through the diamond shaped holes formed by the criss-cross of coated wire. And the next thing I knew he was continuing on his slimy way, past the barrier of the fence and towards the weatherbeaten shack. The fence had remained intact, albeit now dripping with gunk and his thin plastic mac had been left on my side of the fence, leaving him effectively naked.

“How did you do that?” I shouted above the wind. “You can’t get in there anyway – the lock’s seized up!”

My words did not elicit a reply. Unculus was at the door of the storage hut. The door seals seemed to have remained intact, despite the exterior looking a bit flaky. One of his wandering feelers reached down to the lock, poking around inside the keyhole, viscous slime running into the mechanism. The antenna did some more probing within the lock which then clicked undone – a combination of Unculus’ weird discharge lubricating the innards and having a thin enough appendage to act as some intelligent lock picker. The creature casually discarded the metal loop on the ground. Another flick and the hasp was open.

I swivelled and ducked, almost flinging myself to the ground as Unculus pulled open the door. A blinding white light inexplicably pushed out and burst around the perimeter of the door panel. I did not see Unculus’ reaction – I was too busy shielding my face from what I had initially thought was some kind of explosion. But there was no sound – just the brilliant glow from inside the disused shack. Confused, I got back to my feet and squinted at the strange sight of the huge slug silhouetted against what could easily have been mistaken as the gateway to the afterlife. The slimy creature appeared unperturbed by his discovery and shifted slightly to the left. He leaned the top of his body forwards and examined gingerly at the bottom of the doorway. As my eyes became more accustomed to the brightness, I could see that the light was coming from some kind of upright elliptical pool swirling just inside the frame of the open door. Unculus was interested in what was lying at its base.

This was all just too Strange – especially as Unculus had headed straight for the storage shed. Did he know this….. whatever it was…  was going to be here? It seemed odd that he seemed perfectly equipped to squeeze his way through the fence and unstick the lock too. He had not slithered off, shocked and attempting to save his own slimy skin. No – he was prodding about at what to my eyes looked like the white equivalent of a small black hole.

“What in the name of Id have you found?” I called. “What is that thing?”

The slug continued to stare at the vortex as he called back.

“Now that’s what I call a violation!”

He sent his long lace of a tongue down inside the hut and probed around the floor a little more. The tongue coiled back and seemed to bring something to Unculus’ mouth.

“That’s definitely Fooberry,” he uttered, in between flicks of his tongue. “Decayed and rancid by now of course. And Roga flour. What did you keep in here?”

“Well nothing. I thought it was nothing.”

“Does that look like nothing to you? You have managed to create a singularity inside your storage hut Mr Ludo. These things form when something of incredibly dense mass decays and collapses in upon itself. Any ideas?”

This Food Hygiene Inspector seemed to have taken home economics to a new level. His knowledge of astrophysics was impressive. I thought back to the old days, when the hut would last have been used. What could we have left behind? Something dense…. Fooberry… Roga flour. Ah! I remembered.

“Fooberry Twinkies!” I declared. “Janus used to make them to his grandmother’s secret recipe. They were as hard as a brick but the Krugaks used to go mad for ‘em.”

I had to shield my view with a cupped hand above my eyebrows. The sky was the deepest shade of grey which just exacerbated the effect of the billowing glow from the hut. It was just too bright to keep on looking and I averted my gaze to the dusty walkway at my feet. The slug began to explain further.

“That could be problematic…. If it’s true. Are you sure you ….? Waaagh!”

I looked up sharply, cupped hand back above my eyes, squinting to see what had happened. Instead of the slug standing at the doorway there was a new silhouette – a tubby one with two fat legs. An all too familiar figure clad in a dirty apron. He reached over and pulled the door of the storage shed shut and searched furtively across the ground, presumably for the padlock.

“Janus! What did you just do? Did you shove that Unculus guy into that swirling vortex?” I asked, still a little shocked.

“You heard him talking about violations – I bet he wanted to shut us down! I only gave him a small shove – he slid the rest of the way in. Still he won’t be bothering us again. Be our little secret.” Jay stood there and blinked at me. He did not seem to have any scrap of remorse at sending the unwitting Hygiene Inspector into some nightmare of endless gravity which had presumably killed the creature the instant he got sucked in.

“But…. you just murdered an employee of the Galactic Council… I mean, true, he wasn’t the most pleasant customer we’ve ever had but if we disposed of every unhappy customer like that then we’d probably be the only ones left in Entropport!”

“How do you know he’s dead?” challenged Janus. “You don’t know what’s on the other side of that thing.”

“It’s a swarking black hole – in our storage shed! Created because you left one of your Twinkies to go rotten in there!”

Janus blinked again. His expression turned to one of self-satisfaction.

“One of my Twinkies did that? How impressive!”

“Jay! Check he’s definitely not come back through would you?”

“Hey – I’m not opening that door – anything could happen!” Janus protested. “Anyway – if he had got spat out he’d be beating down the door. I’ve not found the lock yet…” Janus switched his gaze back to the churned up soil of the garden and spotted the hunk of metal. “Ah got it!” He flipped the hasp shut and replaced the loop of the padlock and snapped it shut.

My thoughts immediately turned to Ranger investigations, Health and Safety representatives from the Galactic Council coming out to assess what had happened, a tearful Mrs Unculus Rare giving a eulogy at her late slug’s funeral and Janus and me breaking rocks inside Malagora for the next thirty years. We were going to have to cover our tracks and quickly. We would have to worry about what to do with the chasm in the space-time continuum later. I looked at the crumpled heap of goo-ridden plastic at the foot of the fence – the odd coat that Unculus had left behind when he poured himself through the fence. I picked it up and, a little nauseated, started to push it through one of the diamond shaped holes whilst trying to organise my whirling thoughts.

“Right – first take this thing and hide it or burn it. Then help me clear up that lake of slime he made inside the Stop. Did you notice any strange transports around whilst you were prowling the town?”

“No,” drawled Jay, vigorously scratching his stubbly cheek. “But then I wasn’t looking.”

“What have you been doing anyway?” I hissed. “I wish you wouldn’t keep sneaking off and leaving to do everything.”

“We creatives need time to ruminate – coalesce our myriad thoughts so we can produce something spectacular.”

“Yeah – right. With a few handfuls of Xanto beans and some crappy Roga twigs and leaves. Good luck.” Janus blinked his three eyes at me in unison. “Well somewhere Rare has parked a transport – he’s got here somehow. We need to get rid of any evidence that his grotesque crawling belly has ever been here. What have we got that will get rid of that lake of slime quickly?”

“You could try Anhydro Crystals. I got those in when the roof leaked – they’ll soak up loads of liquid pretty much instantly.”

“Right you do that and I’ll scout around for the slug’s transport.” I started to walk back down the street but stopped after three short paces. “I can’t believe you’ve done that. You’ve really shocked me Jay.”

“Hey! It’s a tough galaxy out there. Anything could happen to anybody at any time. That’s SAGDEG for you – you’re not on your timid little Earth now.”

Joining in with the general lawless behaviour did not excuse it in my opinion. But arguing about it was not going to help either. I huffed and carried on back down the hill. The wind was starting to ease off a little although it was still blustery. As I jogged down, taking a look down each side street as I passed, I saw that my encounter with the slug might not have gone unnoticed after all. Kyla was stood on the corner of the Stop underneath the sign, her hair being raised and spun in all directions.

“Hello Kyla,” I said, trying to appear as breezy as the weather, “just checking the fence. You can’t be too careful when a water drop is due.”

The gorgeous Vedusian frowned at me.

“You’re not supposed to tell,” she admonished. “Anyway I was worried – there was a huge flash in the sky, didn’t you see it? It came from up over there somewhere.” She nodded in the direction of the hill where the storage hut was hiding its mini apocalyptic phenomena.

My mind raced as I tried to come up with a line of defence.

“Oh, er, you know us M1s – walk around with our eyes closed,” I stumbled. “Didn’t see a thing.”

“Really? I thought that’s why you had come outside – trying to see where it had come from.”

“That would make more sense….. if I had seen anything. Which I didn’t. So there you go. So nothing at all to worry about and you can go back to your place and I can carry on preparing for lunchtime…..”

“What’s that?!” Kyla exclaimed, looking over my shoulder. I span around, nerves already shredded, to see white steamy clouds billowing out of the Star Stop’s front door. Without thinking (the place could have been ablaze for all I knew), I dashed in and was immediately swallowed up by pungent acrid smoke. Standing in the middle of it all, seemingly oblivious to the toxic clouds was Janus, using a wide long-handled paddle to scrape up the thick gungy piles being made by the mixture of Anhydro Crystals and slug slime.

“Not nice stuff, huh?” Jay said, matter-of-fact.

I squinted, incredulous, making a pitiful attempt of wafting away the huge blooming plumes rising from the floor. I must have passed out.

Next thing I remember, I was lying on one of the benches with my head in Kyla’s lap, looking up at her pale mauve nostrils. Even they were exquisitely crafted.

“Hey – there you are,” she beamed. “You got me all worried.” Another powerful smell hit my nostrils and I made a huge mess on the Star Stop floor as I heaved my guts up in a spattering pool at Kyla’s feet. She reacted quickly and leapt away from the bench, sending me tumbling on to the vom covered floor. “Eeeeuw! Janus! Lu’s been very ill!” she called. “Very. Er, have you got something to clean it up?”

Janus pulled a disgusted expression from behind the counter.

“Tootroo – get over here and hoover this mess up!” he hollered.

“Sorry Kyla…. I’m so sorry,” I grumbled groggily, unable to move from my position on all fours on the floor.

“Cooeeee!” I looked up painfully to see Mrs Cumsay-Wumsay give an annoying prancing wave of her right hand. “Well what a morning! I didn’t even have a chance to eat my muffin. I mean as soon as I saw that strange flash of light – I was stunned. Stunned! Never seen anything like it. I thought one of your ovens had exploded or something Mr Ludo. And of course Kyla rang me straight away so I had to come over to check everything was alright. And good job I did too – I always carry a can of HeavenScent in my bag.”

“Is that what that stink is?” I groaned.

“Well I think you’ll find the unpleasant smell is rather down to you….” Mrs C pointed down at the floor where Tootroo was making light work of sucking up the vomit. “You did make a horrible chunder pool just a few ticks ago. Hardly the done thing in an eating establishment I think you’ll agree Mr Ludo.”

I continued to point a pained look in the clucking homemaker’s direction.

“Anyway, this place needed a thorough dousing after what that nasty gangster did in here.”

“Gangster?”

Janus came trotting over whilst Tootroo nudged me to one side as he finished his cleaning. The floor I had my nose pretty close to did look spotlessly clean and slime-free – Janus had done a good job after all.

“Ye.e.e.e.ah I was telling the ladies how Shaartho turned a bit nasty after they had all left earlier. Took his anger out on the freezer out back. That might explain the bright flash that might have been reflected in the window maybe. And all the smoke was me foolishly trying to clean up the coolant that had leaked out. Apparently Anhydro Crystals are not a good idea when mixed with quintoethylene. Silly me.”

Jay bent down and growled in a low whisper. “That’s the story OK? Best I could think of at the time. They’re hardly likely to ask Shaartho about it are they?”

I nodded and Jay helped me to my feet. I flicked at a couple of the chunks stuck to my grey trousers and walked with what little composure I had left to the main counter, seeking the anti-bac spray.

The front door was pushed open and Mavillec Neesis sent an eye wandering tentatively round the door. Behind him, Arity Chromus’ large orange trumpet was ducking about trying to get a sense of what was going on inside.

“You guys open?” he asked. “I heard there was a bit of trouble. Whoa! Smells of my grandmother’s lavatory in here……”

“Nothing to worry about,” breezed Jay, striding over and fetching Mav inside. “Come on Arity no need to be all coy – get your pot in here and have some lunch.”

“Er, okay, Jay,” stuttered Arity, his leaves curling up presumably as some defence mechanism against the odd mixture hanging in the air. “You can fetch me a hood of enzyme air please – Mav’s right – it does smell all weird in here today.”

“No problem. Mav?”

“I’ll have the full Zatburger and Argo pickles. Make ‘em extra hot. Yeeeah!”

“Drinks?”

“Just Flaarm straight up for me. What d’you fancy Arity? Something to calm your nerves – you want me to fling a shot of Whooch down your roots?”

“It’s a little early for me. You could fling a Roga Tea my way if you like – that’ll calm my xylem down. I’m no good with confrontation – sends me all cold and bumpy. It was that Voraxian man with the flash Jalaxwing wasn’t it? He’s got a nasty reputation Jay – you want to keep him at arm’s length.”

“My ex-husband would have sorted him out,” spat Mrs Cumsay-Wumsay. “Fight fire with fire. Kneecapped the little scrote – that’s what he needs!”

“Mrs C!” exclaimed Kyla disapprovingly.

“Well don’t think I don’t see what goes on! Terrible things – illegal substances, gun running. I get all the digimags and watch the news.”

“You missed your Woognut muffin you say Mrs C?” asked Jay. He could see what had happened. Mrs Cumsay-Wumsay had not been in the day before (she had some extra cleaning to do and had cooked for herself). Syntac, as well as being highly addictive, kept users subdued, compliant and suppressed extreme personality traits. Apparently people coming off Syntac would display wild mood swings opposite to the being’s usual demeanour. Mrs C was clearly in need of her Syntac levels topping up.

“Yes well all this traffic was coming through the Fonespex when I sat down to drink my nice cup of tea. Kyla and I chatted for a while over our Spex and we decided to be good neighbourly and see what was happening. So here I am. Do you think the muffin will be alright to eat for supper later?”

“Yes but don’t leave it longer than that Mrs C,” I advised. “You never know it might collapse in on itself and create a swarking huge black hole in your living room!”

“Oh dear Mr Ludo you are overwrought aren’t you? I think maybe you should get some fresh air.”

“Yes Ludo,” agreed Jay with teeth clenched. “Why don’t you go outside? Remember we still have to find that…. item we were talking about earlier. You know – the thing you were supposed to be looking for before you fainted on me. It can’t be that far. Check out the Roga bushes – it might have been hidden in there.”

“Sounds intriguing,” said Kyla in a sexy voice.

“Really it’s not – I expect it to be pretty disgusting when I find it. You don’t want to know,” I dismissed.

“Shaartho stuff again, ha?” called Mav.

“Something like that,” I replied. I made it to the front door only to be met with the not insubstantial frame of Ongun entering the Stop.

“Hey Ludo,” he smiled. “Glad to see that Shaartho has….. Phew! You’ve gone overboard with the deodorant if you don’t mind me saying Lu.” Ongun waved a hoof under his horned nose.

“No, no it’s not me. Mrs Cumsay-Wumsay has kindly emptied a can of air freshener inside the Stop. I’m sure she’ll be only too delighted to fill you in on the details. If you’ll excuse me I’m, just poping outside.”

“Ah!” Ongun nodded. “Well there’s all sorts of Strange stuff going on round here today then.”

“Oh?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah! As I was parking up I spotted a Transscooter wedged between two bins round the back of Kyla’s place. Weird little craft – short range. Covered in this horrible slimy stuff.”

My eyes widened at the mention of slime.

“Then there’s this trail – fairly faint but it’s still there. The wind’s whipped up the dust and covered most of it but there’s definitely a trail over the ground that leads to your front door. Don’t know anything about it do you?”